Blog Entry #10 [2021년 6월 21일]
Updated: Jun 22
OOooookkkayyy another blog entry to begin with an apology. I'm sorry it's been a while since I posted. I think I addressed this in a previous post, how I'm writing as if someone's at the other end of this?? Maybe that's why I'm some what reluctant to make a post after not posting for a while. It's actually what I do in real life. For example, I get a text or a message from a friend (without a specific purpose of meeting up or, you know, business talk) and I go "oh sweet! I should reply to that" and of course my dumb brain goes "but what if you can't hold a conversation with them??" that's when I panic and try and think of different scenarios or ways to reply to them. By the time I sort of build up a courage to reply, then that's already few days after I got the text. Then what do I do you ask? I feel guilty about not reply soon enough and ghost them. HOW DUMB IS THAT? LIKE WHY? yeah, I don't think I ever wrote this down or said it out loud, but that's basically why I'm so weird about social media and reply. Ugh, it's the worst. And I have good days where I'm not scared of replying to people and I have days where I'm literally terrified to even hint that I'm online. It's mad.
Anyways, I'll be honest about why I'm posting out of a blue today. Basically, I'm part of this artist residency called Retro Bonghwang at 김해 and they paired us up with an art critic to develop ideas and I think they write a text about us at the end of the residency too? I'm not sure actually. Anyways, I met the critic me and another artist got paired up with during the open studio event on the 17th. Think this critic really gets my work? I felt that during the interview as well cuz he was one of the interviewers. So I was excited to see him but also super shy and awkward as I am with people who has to potentially judge me (in my head I'm going what if they see the real me and get disappointed?). So even during the afterparty I didn't really mingle with him. And literally just 30 mins ago I checked his instagram and he comments on his own posts and uses it as a daily journaling device. I thought that was really cool and wanted to copy him basically haha not in a direct way but you know post on this section at least. And when I was stalking his daily comments I saw that he posted about messaging to the other artist who he's assigned to in the residency and them having a deep conversation about an exhibition. Now THAT literally washed me with FOMO. Ugh it's the worst feeling ever. Especially with someone who I sort of want to please and be friends with? He DMed me yesterday saying how he went and saw my website and was sad he missed my performance during the open studio. Which I replied many hours later (cuz just the way I am lol) thanking him for taking the time to checkout my website and that I'll share the performance footage with him. And I am left on read atm hahaha :') I did end the message with 'it was very nice meeting you!!!', does that imply that I'm ending the conversation?? Maybe it does? oh god I'm the worst. It's like I'm actively burning bridges. This is not good. I need to go on a retreat on how to just reply better.
My first solo show is opening in three days at Sangheeut. It's nerve-racking but also not at the same time? It's really weird. WOah and I just accidentally caught the mosquito that's been sucking on my legs. This is pic of the day for sure. I've been trying to get this bastard for the last hour and look what faith determined for me.
It's been a while since I trained 검도, and I'm craving it. After "moving" to 김해 I didn't have the time (or the energy to make time) to register at a 검도장 in 김해. My 관장님 even called up the place to say that I'm coming last month so I really have to take my 검도 stuff down when I'm heading to 김해 next. Once I get this exhibition opening out of the way I'm going to start training again. Ah wonder how that's going to go but I'm excited.
I was told? (diagnosed?) that I might have persistent depressive disorder about two weeks ago. Apparently the test results imply that in my case medication might help speed up the process but it's really not a long term solution so I should seek therapy. It's really hard to navigate through this. And damn therapy is expensive. I'm trying to register as an artist with the government so I can get support with mental health related issues but it's really hard to get it approved. Especially because most of my art experiences happened abroad and I have to prove that Mi Park and 박미연 is the same person. Like I didn't sign a contract stating my name in Korean and English, because who does that? I don't know. I'll figure something out I guess.
Sorry for ending this entry on a sad note. Just wanted to put this out somewhere.
To conclude today's blog entry, here's my todo list from today and a badly taken photo of the mosquito I accidentally killed.
Try on the squid costume ✓
Memorise lyrics of 'Hand in Hand' x
Write work explanation for Sangheeut - half way there?
Write an email to Richard - started this too?