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Blog Entry #14 [2021년 9월 3일]

Well, okay, it's been more than a week since I told myself to get my shit together in the last entry but - if I'm being completely honest - nothing changed since then! I guess I did get more nervous in general cuz I know there are expectations and workload I'm fully ignoring.


I'm trying to


Hm


I don't even know what I'm trying to do anymore.


I can feel that my lack of confidence and declining self-esteem/worth is affecting the manifestation (gosh i hate this word) of applications, work, and art practice. Maybe I do need to go see someone. I wonder when I'll get to the 'fuck everyone' part of life. I think that'll help my current self navigate through what seems to be (fingers crossed) a short slump of my life. Not having a visa for a country I want to work (in this case the UK) in is affecting this crisis too. I wrote about this in my MFA dissertation - how I need to be a valuable labour to the workforce (valuable enough that I can't be replaced by a national worker, companies are willing to pay annual fees to register as a visa sponsor, and earn over £25,600 ) in order to be granted a place inside the border. This really fucks with you. Cuz I don't think I'm worth all that money. In order to go forth with whatever I do, I just need to ignore this or just accept it and give them a huge 'fuck you' as a potential immigrant worker. But I am struggling to do that at the moment. I really want to be an immigrant parasite, and I'm realising even that status holds a sense of privilege in some cases.


OH here's one exciting thing, I got my first dose of Pfizer yesterday! Excited to be jabbed and cannot wait for the next one haha Extremely happy I'll be fully vaccinated by the time I go to Oxford in November for the graduation ceremony. I should plan that soon.


Argh I had something I wanted to write down and I completely forgot. Shit.


Oh right, I'm planning to apply for the Rijksakademie residency this year! Deadline is on the 1st of October and it scares the living crap out of me when I look at the works and CVs of the current residents. But hey you miss 100% of the shots you didn't take so here we go. I think the fact that I keep on applying to stuff is an indication that I believe in myself. But rejections are always so hard, it makes it very difficult to take another shots afterwards. We'll see how this goes.


I think that's all I had to say.


Ah, hold on. I should tell you that my menstural pain (? symptoms?) is getting worse as i age haha I think last time I had a full on 몸살 and this time I had a raging headache for a good two days. My body's slowly bringing in pain as I approach my 25th year of being alive. Oh and my birthday is on the day of actual 추석 this year! This should be my year so I'm going to try and cherish the last four months of 2021.


To conclude today's blog entry, here's my todo list from today and a photo of Ben's Ron Jon tshirt (he left it for me to sniff whenever I miss him, i think it's very cute and perverted and cute) and a bday present from him (that got delivered few days ago which I'm not supposed to open till it's my bday) in a drawer.


TODO

Book a plane ticket to Gimhae ✓

Come up with a title for 레트로봉황 final exhibition (till the 13th) 𝗫

attempt no. 2 - get my shit together 𝗫




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