Blog Entry #16 [2021년 10월 16일]
Updated: Mar 4
It's already winter.
I have to get the heating on.
But I don't know how.
- Oh shit. It's already winter. by MI PARK
Yeah I actually don't know how to turn the 온돌 on in my Gimhae flat. I think I did but these things take ages to heat up so I guess I'll know for sure in an hour.
It freaked me out to see that my last blog post got 5 views. Who are these people reading my stuff? Are you that same person reading this as well? If so, thanks. And also what kind of pervert reads my stuff? haha I'm kidding, I'm just amazed people other than me reads these, and makes me curious why.
Anyways, let me tell you about my jaw cuz they've been bothering me a lot lately. It just sits very awkwardly, it almost feels like I'm forcing them to pull backwards? My cheeks and jaw muscles feel tense all the time for some reason as well. I can't tell if it's because of my wisdom teeth (I still got 3 left) or if I'm grinding my teeth at night or I've somehow dislocated them and didn't know? And I was watching my interview video (thanks to Retro Bonghwang) and noticed my chin looks weak af?!?! I don't think they were that pulled back before?!!! What the hell is going on, it's bugging me a bit? I think I'm overreacting a bit cuz in 관상학 weak chin means your retired life (노년?) will be a bit rough. Man thinking about this as an artist who doesn't have any stability what so ever after this residency is basically KILLING MEEE. I'm seriously worried about after I come back from the UK next January. I have nothing lined up, I have no plan, I'm a bit fucked. Phd is an option but to maintain myself for the next 2 - 3 years prepping for it isn't going to be easy. And my weakass mind and no grit attitude might lead me to go back to working for commercial galleries and what not. tbh no one's going to stop me. I guess the best outcome for my parents, who have supported me through the 5 year fine art education, would be me doing a Phd (preferably with a scholarship) and lecturing. But that's the ideal outcome, as the word suggests it's ideal. I'm still feeling a bit lost with my practice, I'm not going to lie. I'm hoping this time off from everything will allow me to finally figure our what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This is what surprises me, I think I said this before, but I just don't know how people do it. Being an artist isn't the most stable thing to do. But yet a lot of people somehow do it? I think if I don't go into academia I'll question it A LOT, like me in my 30s trying to see if I can make it or even generate some kind of income through art just sounds like torture. I'll have to give up. I'm sure people who carries on with their practice isn't doing it because they can't do other stuff, but then why and how do they do it?! They impress me so much. I'll be too weak to do that. If you saw someone trying to break into acting or the music industry in their late 30s not really making it, you'll think "what the hell are they doing not finding something else todo" but for art, for some weird reason, people think it's obvious and honourable? Are people really happy doing that?? My mental health will be basically nonexistent being exposed to uncertainty for that long man. I'm not trying to diss anyone who's in that position, on the contrary I think they're the most fucking brave people out there.
Oh okay now my bum feels pretty warm so hurraaay I know how to turn the heating on!
I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with the end of residency exhibition (in Korean it's 결과보고전 which translates to 'result reporting exhibition' like hear how fucking daunting that sounds) and having to move everything back to Seoul + prepping to travel two days after exhibition take down but I'm less stressed about it atm. Maybe I've given up haha. Okay you know what I'm gonna go back to the the concept of 'result reporting exhibition'. So few months ago the organiser asked me the number of works I'll exhibit for it and it confused me a bit. As a performer, and having a process based + on-going project as I do, "number of works to be exhibited" sounds like an irrelevant thing. Like would I say my installation is one piece and performances as each individual piece?? I guess it's pretty interesting how my practice lies in this outcome based scenario. And I guess this is why I don't get chosen for a lot of stuff lol (can't sell it, can't repeat it, very impromptu like sounds like a fucking curatorial nightmare haha). Apparently the reason why they ask is to report to the sponsor to say this artist have produced 65% or smth of the promised outcome in the beginning. LIKE WHAT IS THAT so strange. I guess it makes sense to convince these government ppl that these kind of residency is worth it is by giving them stats but come onnn. Why can't those business people accept art doesn't work that way? I guess it'll be faster to convince artists to have that mindset than to persuade those boomers but if you want that at least pay us minimum wage?! ugh. As you can see I'm thoroughly annoyed at that concept.
Anyways I should write some stuff for this exhibition, basically have to give the organisers super short wall text (200 characters, like can you even imagine) and some info about the performance I'm going to do. tbh I have no fucking clue what I want to do so let's see what happens!!!!!
PS FINGERS CROSSED I'LL GET SOME TRANSLATING GIG GIVEN TO ME SOON. I FINISHED MY FIRST PROJECT AND I NEED CASH MAN. Oh also I got fully vaxxed last week! how exciting <3 And mum's here too!!! Ridiculous that she has to quarantine for 14 days even though she's fully vaccinated :'( Oh here's a petition about it if anyone's in Korea and wants to sign it!!!!! https://www1.president.go.kr/petitions/601781
To conclude today's blog entry, here's my todo list from today and a photo of 6 year old me returning the gaze.
Wash duvet 𝗫
Write wall text for the let_it_out ✓
Write performance description ✓
Reply to lu's email!!!! 𝗫 - I'll try this again tomorrow :')