Blog Entry #8 [2021년 4월 6일]
I'm going to open up with an apology.
It's been a week and a half since my last entry and I'm sorry for breaking my promise to you to keep up a series of daily blog entries. Maybe I was being too ambitious. Yeah, I think so. I bet you are already disappointed in me. That's just what I do though. I disappoint people.
I applied to De Ateliers for 2021 September intake, this is the perfect opportunity for me at this stage of my life so getting a position there would be an actual dream come true. Not just as an artist but as a person. I'll be able to stay in the same continent with Ben for two years without worrying about my visa status. I can't believe how confident I was when I first applied. I thought "hmm maybe, just maybe, I'll get in" Then week after week since the application deadline in March 1st, my confidence has been declining. My mum has unconditional faith in me. She always tells me that she doesn't get why I'm so worried about my future when her and my dad sees no reason to worry. Well I guess it's just one of those parent thing that you think your kid is special and is the best at everything, and I know that's where my mum's comment is coming from, and me not getting this residency wouldn't disappoint her at all but her telling me "I know you'll get it" feels like her name is getting highlighted, underlined, italicised on the list of people I will disappoint.
I really don't know where this fear comes from.
Even during my undergrad I just didn't show my true self (woaooo very cringy, I know) to a lot of people in the course because I was so afraid once they see who I truly am they'll be disappointed. I got good marks during my BA, especially the studio practice side, and there were tutors that really believed in me. And the more they supported me the more I was scared of them getting to know me in personal level. The image of those people who I respect and has respect for me going "Oh, never mind, they're actually nothing" is for some reason very vividly engraved in my head. Even though no one really said that to me, at least to my face. Hmm.
Maybe it stems from me being an international student in the UK. I paid more to get into the same programme than students from Europe and UK. That made me feel like I gained my position easier than anyone else just because I pay more. Even when I was doing well in the programme I felt like a fraud and an imposter. Jeez I was like this in Goldsmiths, can you imagine me enrolled at Oxford? People talk about having imposter syndrome when they came to Oxford but I was there thinking WELCOME TO THE CLUB BUDDY - I WAS A MEMBER SINCE 2014. Argh, anyways, I guess writing about it is a way to deal with my insecurities. And knowing that these falsified images in my head is, as I just said, fabricated is a good start. I really need to work on it. For myself and people around me. I always think being this insecure would come across as being modest but I think I'm just being annoying and whiny. Oop, here I go again.
Oh I should tell you about a new friend I made at 검도! She told me she writes blogs too and she keeps it private but public, like what I'm doing I guess, and she says she always mentions people by a nickname so I'm going to refer her as... hmm.. NK? Because she's a nurse and we do kendo together? So N(urse)K(endo)? Oh god that's the worst nickname for anyone but I can't get anymore creative than that haha We'll keep it as NK for now. She's a good fun, we became friends pretty rapidly but I guess that's the perk of sharing a hobby. Also she's a beginner and I'm a beginner so it's good that I have someone on the same page navigating the world of 검도. Which so far has been filled with blisters and not being able to multitask haha It's fun. I'm glad I started 검도.
Anyways, I'm planning to wake up early tomorrow so I can go to 청담역 for the mayor of Seoul by-election. Yeah I didn't change my address since I moved out (like 12 years ago) and I forgot to do 사전투표 eek. So I shall bid you adieu.
To conclude today's blog entry, here's my empty todo list from today and photos of some tulips in 경의선숲길, soggy cheery blossom scene, and heavily fogged up 한강.